Your son or daughter, along with two million others, is about to enter a time that is both frightening and exciting, a period of joy, pain, discovery, and disappointment.  These students are beginning  a period of their lives that will leave them very different from what they previously were.  Like it or not, you are entering this period with him or her.  You'll experience all the happiness and defeats your student does--secondhand, but just as vividly.

Survival 'Rules' for Parents

Of course, no one can ensure that you will completely survive your son or daughter's first year at college, but here are some guidelines that might help you make it with a minimum loss of sanity.

Rule 1--Don't ask them if they are homesick.

The first few days and weeks of school are jam-packed with meeting new people, learning a new routine, and taking on new activities.  Adjusting to the situation takes most of the new student's time.  So, unless they are reminded of it (by a well-meaning parent), they'll probably be able to escape the loneliness and frustration of homesickness.  Even if they don't tell you during the first few weeks, they do miss you.

Rule 2--Stay in contact.

Although freshmen are typically eager to experience all the away-from-home independence they can get, most are still anxious for the family ties and the security those bring.  There is nothing more depressing to a freshman than an empty mailbox, so send letters and call from time to time.  Regardless of how mundane it may seem, most freshman would give anything to hear news about home and family.  Just a note here--the 'you write one', 'I write one' sequence of correspondence is not always followed by a college student, so expect some unanswered letters.

Rule 3--Expect change.
College and the experiences associated with it can affect changes in social, vocational, and personal behavior and choices.  An up-to-now wallflower may become a sorority member, a pre-med major may discover that biology is not his thing, a high school radical may become a college egghead.  You can't stop change, but it is to your son or daughter's advantage to accept it.
 

Rule 4--Don't worry (too much) about depressing phone calls and letters.

Often when troubles become too much for the freshman to handle, (a flunked test, ended relationship, and shrunken t-shirt all in one day) the only place to turn is home.  Often, the time the freshman feels the strongest urge to communicate is when things are going wrong, so you may never hear about the 'A', the new boyfriend, or the domestic triumph.  After the catharsis time with you, the student can often return  to routine relieved and lightened while you inherit the burden of worry.  Be patient with these communications.  You'll be providing a real service as a sympathetic ear or punching bag.

Rule 5--Trust them.

Finding oneself is difficult enough without feeling that those whose opinions matter may be second-guessing.  As parent, you want all the things that will make your son or daughter happy, and they need time to figure out what those things are.  Trust them to make the choices that are best for them.

Rule 6--Ask Questions, but not too many

College freshmen are "cool" (they hope).  They may resent what they perceive as interference with their newfound lifestyle while still desiring the security of knowing that someone is interested in them.  Parental curiosity can be overbearing and alienating of relief giving, depending on how questions are asked.  "I have a right to know" questions should be avoided.  However, genuine inquiries and other "between friends" communications will do a lot to further the potential parent-freshman relationship.

Rule 7--Visit, but not too often

Occasional visits by parents are another part of the first year that students are reluctant to admit enjoying.  Pretended disdain of such visits is just another part of the first-year syndrome.  Visits give students a chance to introduce some of the important people in both worlds (home and school) to each other.  In addition, it is a chance for parents to become aquatinted to their students, new life at college.

Rule 8--Do not tell them "These are the best years of your life"

The college years can be full of indecision, insecurities, disappointment and, most of all, mistakes.  They are also full of discovery, inspiration, good times and great friends.  But the good parts are not what often stand out, except in retrospect.  It takes time for a freshman to realize that their perceptions of what college was were inaccurate.  It also takes time to understand that the bad experience and the good ones are all part of the experience.  Any parent that believes that college students always get good grades, know what they want to major in, have fun-filled week-ends and thousands of friends are wrong.  So are those who think college-educated means mistake proof.  Those who understand the highs and lows are providing support to their student when it is needed most.

Rule 9--Water what you want to grow

If your first questions are always about date, social activities or the score of a recent ball game rather than about book, ideas, classroom discussions and cocurricular activities.  You may send the wrong signal about what is really important at the university.  Having a student at MSSC provides an outstanding opportunity to learn about a new book or the latest view on a topic of mutual interest.  We urge you to ask about these things first so you will find the conversation a rewarding experience so that your student sees that the demanding work of college matters to you too.
 

________________________________________________________________
 

  Return to the Student Support Center Homepage